So, yesterday morning, after a week of coughing myself crazy, I decided to call and get an appointment with a doctor. I will walk you through the morning and share with you my impressions (”weirdations”).

1. I got up at 9 and went straight to the phone to call an MD I had been suggested because she spoke English (I have survival German by now, but I didn’t really want to chance getting confused and telling the doctor the wrong thing was hurting because I could not pronounce the words correctly). Now, just to make it clearer, the sentences in orange were spoken in German, translated here for your benefit (and mine… attempting to write them in German would make me take three hours extra to write this post). Sentences in italics are my thoughts, which I barely stopped from saying out loud. Sentences in green were originally in English. So I phoned, and the nice receptionist picked up the phone quite quickly.

- Good morning, Dr. xxx’s office, how may I help you?

- Hello, I would like an appointment with Dr. xxx for today.

- Impossible, I’m afraid, she’s booked all the way till June. (June???? German people can’t be THAT organized, can they??? They even know when they are going to get sick???) . If you are really sick, you can try coming tomorrow between 7 and 8:30.

- I see (not). ok thank you.

2. Now, all the references I had of this MD were that she spoke English, so I decided that I could just as well see if the one who is in my street spoke English. This one had a much smaller add in the Jena yellow pages, so surely she would be less booked out?

- Good morning, Dr. zzz’s office, how may I help you?

- Hello, I wanted to know if Dr. zzz spoke English.

- Yes, and? (now, imagine this said, in a harsh and no nonsense tone of voice).

-(wow, that was harsh) eeeh… because my German is not so good…

-…

3. So, I decided to go for it.

- so… I would like an appointment with Dr. zzz for today.

- she is all booked out. (as well????)

– oh…

- are you sick?

- eeeh… yeah…

This reinforced my impression that people in Jena just book visits to the doctor without actually being sick yet! I had to really bite my tongue to stop myself from saying duh…

4. And the harsh receptionist continued shocking me:

- What do you have?

- eeeh… a cough? (so glad I did not have something more personal going on…)

- You can come now.

- Now?

- Yes, now.

- Oh, ok… (I’ll get dressed…)

5. So I made it to the doctor’s office and was asked to sit in the waiting room with half a dozen other (elderly) patients. After half an hour or so, I was escorted to the doctor’s room and after a sentence I did not get, she quite nicely switched to English. Nice that she switched, because her tone was even worse than the receptionist’s. Now, not rude, just… harsh. So I told her I had the flu last week and after it went again I was left with a nasty cough that is persistent after 7 days.

- Flu? Why do you say it was flu?

- Muscle pains, slight fever, a person had it the week before, and then I got it, and another person besides me, at the same time, in the same household got it…

- No. It could not be flu.

- Why not?

- Because it is not the time for the flu

Oooh… I wasn’t aware of that… ok, then I had whatever is available for April???

6. So, she checked my chest, ears, throat… the usual and then she asked me if I was ok with them ordering blood tests.

- Eeeeh… if they are necessary?

- they are going to cost you… wait let me check…

Two phone calls later

- 140 EUR.

- eeeh ok… I have been paying 200 EUR per month for almost two years to have Medical Insurance, and I haven’t been to the doctor even once in this time, and I’m going to say no to tests, now that I’m stick, because they cost money?? Sure…

7. And the doctor continued with her questions:

- Do your parents or grandparents have heart problems, ME, cancer…

- No…

- Does it hurt when I do this? (and she started hitting me in the face in different places: front, cheeks, chin; and then the stomach, back…)

- Well, no… (assuming you mean no more than the pain resulting from you hitting me, woman! now, stop it!)

8. And I wanted to explain how I felt, you know, so she would know…

- Sometimes when I cough, the ears and throat…

- Yes, yes, do you smoke? so you drink alcohol? do you do sports?

Sorry for providing un-requested information, ma’am! Won’t happen again, ma’am!

9. And then the sex talk:

- Could you be pregnant?

- No, not that I’m aware.

- No, for sure?

- Well, I…

- You have safe sex, yes?

- Yes…

- Are you on the pill?

- No…

- Then do you think you could be pregnant?

- Well, no… (I mean not more than usual… I mean… as sure as you can be when you use condoms…)

- If we give you medicines, they could be bad for the baby.

- I am not pregnant.

- Are you sure?

Woman, you are starting to freak me out!

10. And after all, she diagnosed me with acute bronchitis, sent me to get X-rays to confirm I did not have Pneumonia (X-rays done in a different place on the same day and with a specialist telling me 30 minutes after the X-rays my lungs were pristine… you go, lungs!), and sent me to reception to get an appointment for next week…

and in spite of the booked out schedule of theirs… I did get an appointment!

Related post(s)

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• 10 weirdest things I’ve seen in… Jena (Germany) (part 1) (3)
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